Living with Essential Tremor

I am 54 and have been living alone with essential tremor until right now.
The first time I noticed it was while doing a paint-by-number picture when I was about 6 years old. I thought it funny how my brush would “quake.” Usually it calmed down, and I could continue at what I was doing. As the years went by it gradually increased but I didn’t think it was a big deal.

When I was in 7th grade I remember walking to the front of the class to read my report. My hands shook so badly I couldn’t turn the pages of my report. My voice also locked up that time, and I was mortified. I stumbled through a few more words then went back to my seat, head down. I think the teacher and class realized something was wrong and nothing was ever said.

From that point on I would become anxious about public speaking and the condition accelerated rapidly. By the time I reached college I was hiding my hands at every opportunity and avoiding public speaking. I avoided most speech in groups. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat rather than tremble trying to eat or serve myself. I had already made the decision to be a writer–something that I see now was a choice made because of my ET

Luckily, I am a good enough writer to make a living at it, but I wonder how much more I would have done if the ET was treated and controlled back then. My fear of public shaking kept me from engaging in debate, aggressive negotiations and even conversation if I was in the company of someone who caused me the least bit of stress; ie., teachers, bosses and really good looking, succesful guys!
I survived pretty well. I’ve done a tremendous amount of traveling (always marveling at how a flight attendant could hold out a full glass without spilling a drop) and I have many great friends and relationships.

I spent part of my 30s and all of my 40s in counseling for Social Anxiety disorder. During the course of that I was given many different drugs. With the internet I began researching the drugs and about four years ago ran across the term Essential Tremor associated with an anti-depressant called Effexor EX. I looked up ET and found only a couple websites but when I read the descriptions I was amazed.

There was a name for what I had.

After more than a decade of going to shrinks and taking antidepressants and lorazepam and Xanax, I finally found an elderly doctor who didn’t ask much but always wrote the prescriptions as long as things were in moderation. I told her I wanted to take Effexor (earlier I had tried Propananol, but it just made me forget things.) I started the Effexor, but didn’t see any real change.

I was having some trouble sleeping and a girlfriend gave me a couple of Trazadones to take at night. She was a flight attendant, and I thought she gave me a non-narcotic sleep aid.

The next morning when I was making coffee I did not spill the grains. I repeated the motion and marveled at my steadiness. I took the pills two more nights and spent a totally tremor-free day. I called my friend to find out the name of the pills and beg her for more. I looked up Trazadone and immediately found where it said it had been used for ET. I went to my shrink and got a prescription. I had told her about the ET but I don’t think she was very informed about it.

I’ve been using the Effexor and Trazadone ever since. I’ve discovered I’m a wonderful group teacher and lecturer. I’m involved in the best relationship of my life and am more active and productive in life than ever, and I no longer take any sedatives.

Last month I tried to suggest to my shrink that I get off the Effexor. She basically said why mess with something that’s working? I agreed.

Today I googled ET and found dozens of great sites, including this one. Things have really changed! I also found several doctors within 50 miles that I can visit and be prescribed specifically for my ET, not the social anxiety disorder that I never had, by a physician who is more a pill peddler than a doctor.

Wow. What a relief. I’m not some freak. I’m just a person with ET who was really, really good at hiding it for a really, really long time.

Thanks.