Living with Chronic Pain

Hi: I am a retired nurse. I am 62 years old. I cannot work any longer due to the lack of relief from chronic pain which causes my depression and sleep deprivation. No one understands what I am going through. My husband is no help. I have been in pain for over 20 years with no relief. Doctors have placed injection after injection in the rhomboid muscle under my left shoulder with only temporary relief..! At first, the pain subsided for up to several days, but always returned with a vengeance..! So, after several treatments over several months, this therapy was discontinued. The doctors are at a loss as to what to do now.

I have researched “trigger point pain” and “self-massage”, but have no one to help me. I cannot reach the problem area myself, so I have relied on an old rolling pin that once belonged to my grandmother..! Every night, I lie on the rolling pin to apply pressure to the “trigger point”, but it offers little help. It is so uncomfortable that I cannot go to sleep, so after about 15 minutes, I have to remove it so that I can go to sleep. Most of the time, I cannot go to sleep because the pain is so severe that it keeps me awake. I am so sleepy, I cry for relief, but no relief comes. I stretch my arm and shoulder, but stretching seems to aggravate the condition. I am up and down all night long, every night, so I’m sleep deprived as well.

I have gained over 50 pounds in the last 20 years and when I start any exercise program which involves arm and shoulder movement or lifting weights, the pain truly becomes unbearable. The pain is tolerable during the day, although it never leaves me, but at night, when I lie down, the pain becomes so great that I cannot sleep. I sit up and try to sleep, but sleep does not come. I watch t.v. until nearly 5 a.m. and then lie down. I may or may not go to sleep depending on the height of the pain, but sometimes I can sleep for a couple of hours only. Then, I am up again.

I know that the depression and anxiety I feel is a product of the chronic pain, and the doctors only want to treat the depression not the cause of my pain. I try to explain to them that if I didn’t hurt, I could sleep and would not have need of the antidepressants, but it falls on deaf ears. I have not been to a doctor for over a year because I don’t want to be treated for depression without also being treated for relief of the pain. The depression I’m sure, will go away once I have been able to sleep at least 8 hours without waking up.

I am unhappy, frustrated, lonely (I feel no one understands),anxious due to lack of sleep, and afraid. I don’t want to live the rest of my life with no sleep and in constant pain. What will happen to me when I am too old to care for myself and I am placed in a nursing home somewhere? They will not know how to treat me and I will be left alone in a bed somewhere with no care at all. I have worked in nursing homes and I have seen it happen to many a patient. If I cannot be treated for my pain now, there will certainly be no treatment for me then..! I know that it sounds like I am having a “pity party”, but after years and years of this pain with no relief and no understanding, this has become my life…! What do I do now?