Living with Brain Cancer

My husband of 23 years was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer at the end of April,2007. He went through his chemo and radiation like a real trooper. He amazed the doctors through all of his treatments and told them he was going to beat this. When we first found out he had a mass is his chest about 12 inches by 9 inches. The doctors said he had the strongest treatment known to man. We were so elated when we found out the cancer was gone, out of his chest and lungs.

Mike’s only 48, a wonderful father of two girls, ages 21 and 10. A papa to two grandkids ages 2 and 5 months. Toward the last of his treatments for this his body had taken about all it could and he was really weak and lost alot of weight but still had his faith. Then a couple of months later he woke up and i noticed his speech was messing up. Got in touch with the doctors and they did a MRI and told us that he has several dozen spots in his brain now. This was on Dec 11.

Without treatment they said he would only have 2 to 3 weeks to live. With 10 treatments he might have up to 6 months. Now all through these treatments they could never get him out of pain. A couple of days before christmas he was so weak after his brain radiation that i took him back to the cancer center. He was very dehydrated and in so much pain.We went to the hospital so they could do some pain mgmt so they would know what he needed to be on at home. They have him hooked up now to a morphine pump and had hospice meet us at home. Thank God he is able to get some comfort and some rest now. He is so weak and so frail now, but instead of thinking about oh poor pitiful me, he has his focus on me and our girls.

He apologizes to me about how sorry he is and that he never wanted to put me through this kind of hurt. He doesnt complain about what this is doing to him and his body. He is 6ft 4 and now weighs about 135 lbs. He tells me what he wants at the funeral, nothing fancy he says. One single red rose on the casket, no big spray. No suit, he never wore them. Just his nice black slacks and his long sleeve black shirt that i have always loved to see him in. He tells me the one song he wants at the funeral, The Old Rugged Cross. The others are my choice because he says he will be hearing music we can only imagine. He tells me to buy our oldest a decent mini van to help her with the kids when the insurance money comes in being she only has a two door.

He wants to take our little one to Build a bear workshop and have her make a stuff animal with the voice module inside with his voice on it, (which a friend picked up and brought to the house just in case he could not get there and a 40.00 gift card. Mike has made sure we will be ok and i wont have to go back to work for awhile and i can plan to go to school so i can get a decent job when i decide to go back. Some of our friends dont come by. Seems like the C word scares some people away but he tells me, honey everyone can not stand to see someone go through this and he understands and helps me to understand.

Some friends are steadfast and are so wonderful. He thanks them for thinking of us. One of our preachers came to the hospital to witness to us and he left crying telling us that he was the one that was taught so much. Mike does call me his basket case, i cry easy. Always have but i try not to but then again he understands when i cant help it. I assure him we will be fine, dont know how at the moment but i assure him that we will. I tell him i will continue to take care of our girls as i always have. I tend to overdo and they love it. I tell him he doesnt need to worry about me falling off the deep end or turning into a drunk. I reassure him that i love him and How i thank God that i have truly been blessed for the 24 yrs we have been together. He like for me to cuddle with him so there are days where i stay in bed with him all day while our 10 yr old is off to school, no place i would rather be. I worry so much about the changes that are in store for us and the few times he has gotten mad and snapped a little, first and me and then the oldest. that it is not from dad, but from the cancer, the meds and the pain.

I feel like im dying inside alot of the time but then i try and pull it together and be strong for him. People tell me i need time away and i know i do but then again that is time i never get back. Every once in awhile i do get out to the grocery store and get a breath of fresh air and a couple minutes of peace but i dont take long. I guess im handling it ok, my mom and my sisters say they are proud of me and i cant imagine what for, i tell them i love him and its just what im supposed to do. I learn from Mike each and everyday. I have learned there there is no certain way to do this or go through this, you just do it. I try and remember how wonderful he is and how blessed the girls and i have been and everyone who has had the fortune to cross his path. We are not giving up, still praying for a miracle, but in a way i am seeing a miracle everyday. In is strength, his faith, his love. You learn how special a smile can be or a touch of a hand when he feels up to reaching for it. Sorry to go on and on but i guess i just needed to tell people about the wonderul man, who might succomb to this but who is beating it in so many ways even if it takes his life. Thank you to all who read this and God bless you.