Living with Autism

Most children live in a world of fascination. I was fascinated with drawing. Something about the way that thoughts became external and edible to whoever looked upon them, resonates with me to this day. I did not play with the other children frequently, I took apart vacuum cleaners; I didn’t go to parties, I stayed in my room. I have what I call my “inner room” it is the place where I perpetually work on problems while going about my everyday life. I suppose that everyone has an “inner room”, mine is just inescapable. It makes me seem distant, out of focus and absent minded to others, while to me it is simply how I live.

I haven’t always known that I was autistic; for the whole of my childhood and adolescence I was just considered eccentric, a title that I now wear with honor. I will always remember the moment that I realized that there was a name for people like me, and that others, like me, existed out in the world. My eyes glassed over as I stared in disbelief at the medical encyclopedia before me, as the puzzle pieces moved around in my mind to form one giant puzzle piece. That piece fell into place, and it held the name of my demon; Autism.

All those awkward instances, all the pain of adolescent ignorance flashed before me, like some kind of taunting carousel where the horses seem malevolent and keep on prancing.

It has now been two years since I was initially diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, I am now twenty-three years old, and now that I look back on my childhood and youth, it becomes comically obvious that something was amiss. A childhood obsession with vacuum cleaners comes to mind. The problem was, no one wanted to talk about it, no one, teachers, parents, or friends, wanted to acknowledge the ten foot rhino-beetle that sat firmly on the tip of my nose, between me and the world. I often ask myself the question of why that was, and the only answer that I can come up with is that, confronting the unknown is difficult when you feel that the outcome might cause more pain than there existed in ignorance. This is truly faulty thinking, for through self-knowledge come tools that are only forged from insight.

My advice to anyone who does not live comfortably in their own skin is that whatever it is; depression, autism, self esteem issues… you are much better off confronting your fears and getting help because life is much too short to not live every moment as the best you that you can be. That is not possible if you live in ignorance, for you won’t have a shovel to dig yourself out with!