Living with Asperger's Syndrome

AS as an adult presents its own challenges…

Considering my early experiences in education, which were not so grand, it is a surprise to find myself in 23rd grade and actively seeking yet another degree. I have a son, who is gifted with learning disabilities, Asperger’s, and ADD. I, too, have learning disabilities, AS, and ADHD. During my Kindergarten through Second grade years, I was placed in a box at school. I don’t mean a figurative “box,” I mean a real “stove” box. A hole was cut out in the front to allow me to see the teacher, but it was meant as a preventative measure for my incessant need to chat with my neighbors.

Being young and happy, I had a lot to say. I just assumed that everyone else enjoyed my company as much as I did! As I moved into upper elementary, I became more anxious, shy and self-conscious. My social ineptness became more glaringly apparent, and my seeming inability to make or keep friends, caused me great sadness. We moved a lot, and I experienced five school systems prior to middle school. My extreme shyness and discomfort gave way in high school to a “cheerleader smile,” which I used to keep anyone from asking what was wrong. AS girls are excellent at “masking” our difficulties.

I excelled at sports, academics, and leadership activities, but I could never figure out why I felt different. The meltdowns I experienced in response to random over-stimulation (could be a great basketball game or a fight with a boyfriend) became more and more extreme. My hyperactivity and impulsiveness gave way to anxiety and depression During my sophomore year, I began to believe that I was stupid, and started threatening to quit school. Six weeks after graduation, I left for the Air Force. It was during my service in the military, in night school, that I began to realize that I could be a learner. I found enjoyment in the pursuit of education.

I became a single parent at a very young age. Working full-time during the day as a microbiologist and medical technologist, I completed my undergraduate degree and my graduate degree in School Psychology. When my son started school, he was a happy, smiling, outgoing little boy. The day he stepped into his classroom, the light in his eyes dimmed. His teachers bemoaned his inattentiveness and seeming inability to focus.

My son was in second grade when he began labeling himself as stupid. We had many afternoon and evenings of, as I call them, the “Why can’t you just(s)?” Why can’t you just focus? Why can’t you just get started? Why can’t you just put something on paper? It took me years to understand, if he could … he would. I started reflecting on my own, “Why can’t I just(s)?” Why can’t I pay attention? Why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I just be happy? Working as a School Psychologist I found enjoyment and my professional niche with inner city, emotionally disturbed children. I could work with all of my students and diffuse the most volatile circumstances with understanding, support, and acceptance. Unfortunately, even as a ’successful’ adult, my inability to ‘get’ the unwritten rules of social niceties continues to plague my interactions with peers. I do, however, find extreme pleasure in working with children, parents, and senior citizens. The rules are clear and the expectations are obvious. -Michelle